Breaking News: Calvinists Are Spontaneously Combusting ——— After asking her Calvinist husband a simple yes or no question, Daria Dobetter was horrified when he spontaneously combusted. “I asked him to choose whether he wanted wear his red tie to church or not,” said Daria tearfully, “he said he couldn’t determine which choice he was determined to choose and than he spontaneously combusted!” Subsequently, numerous reports of Calvinists spontaneously combusting when faced with simple choices popped up around the country. Health officials recommend staying several feet away from Calvinists when asking them questions and to back away slowsly if they show signs of indecisiveness.
Breaking News: Man Speaking Pig Latin Claims To Be Speaking In Tongues ——— Article: During Spoken Grace Church’s community sharing service, longtime attendee Josh Baconhousen announced to the crowd that he could speak in tongues. He proceeded to speak eloquent pig Latin that he claims he had never spoken or practiced until that morning. “Usthay ayssay the Ordlay!” Declared Baconhousen to local news reporters after the service, “how dare you question my authority, I curse you by all the powers of heaven!” The reporter clarified that they had only asked what happened. The uproar caused by Baconhousen’s pronouncements lead the head pastor to make a statement clarifying the churches stance. “We absolutely believe in the miracle of tongue speaking and if Josh Baconhousen says half of us are cursed, then so be it! Who are we to question God’s authority?” Reactions from the congregation seemed positive at the time of the service with many of the accursed convulsing on the floor or fleeing in terror.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark, dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp, shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Hi everyone!!! Please join my group called Truth Be Told! Hope to see you there soon!!!😊😃
👉 This statement is false. 👈
please join everyone can be admin if you want to be admin
And I know you're younger than Rian, so yeah.
That's the most common age on this app.
WHAT yep 👍 HOW DID YOU KNOW!?
if you can guess my age I will tell you.
I’m a senior in college, you?
Join the group Please Join My Group!. It's for advertising your own groups.😃👍
(Sorry, private question, you don't have to answer.)😅👍
It’s mine, though anyone can write articles if they’re funny
BTW, Whose group is this?
These groups are pretty active and will become more active if you join.😃😁😉👍
Ads:Join Truth Be Told, Read The Word, Jesus Regins, Dogs For Jesus, Cats For Jesus, and Chickens For Jesus.
(Part 2) TO: My Loving Wife, Subject: I've arrived, Date: January 12, 2008. I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband, P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
Breaking News: A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
thanks for a good laugh 😆
one 2, three 4, five 6, and seven 8 is 2444666668888888
Joke: change your password to 2444666668888888
So when your friends ask for the password just say 12345678
how to lie without lying
oh yah did I mention that I am i going to be in a Christmas play! And I might be mary!
Breaking News: Silence is Golden
Cool! Welcome Sports Man!
Part 2: “Those statements are not grounded in reality,” contradicted the show’s producer, Glacia Gloum, “we are merely preparing children for what lies ahead. If they don’t think about it now, then when?” To get some clarity on the issue, CNN talked renowned child psychiatrist Lula Trap. “I watched a few episodes of Life Sucks, and I think they really are just too pessimistic about the world,” she said trying to hide the 5 Batman movie ticket stubs from her last family outing, “children need to know that they are safe, so they can experiment with their surroundings confidently. That’s why my children only watch movies with positive messages.” Thankfully, most experts seem to agree with Dr. Trap. We can only hope parents will keep there kids in the dark about the hard truths of life, and not mess with media as dangerous as Reality Studios.
Title: Backlash from Parents Grows Against Controversial Kids Show Produced By Realist Studios ——— Part 1: Parents are complaining that Realist Studios’ new kids show, Life Sucks, is not appropriate for children. The show claims to teach kids how to toughen up for the hard reality that comes from living in a broken world. The show begins each episode with the show’s host, Colda Truthy, announcing, “hey kids! You’re gonna die some day!” Despite it’s altruistic intentions, parents say that the show is too pessimistic. “The second episode is all about how everyone you know will eventually die, even your parents!” Said local overprotective mother Helma Ton, “don’t even get me started on the episode about Plagues, Pestilence, and Parasites! With depression on the rise, we need more positivity, not less!”
Wow these are sooo good I just finished reading all of them lol
Umm... you could say that.
Hmmm...C.Y.Y. 🤔 Is that the initials of your real name?
@Emma, nope, I was talking to RNT 😅
@Roger I run the Babel Bee. 🙂
@Real News Today Nice. 😂
Title: Oneness Pentecostals Introduce New "One-Verse Bible" - Contains Only John 17:21 for Ultimate Unity
———
In a groundbreaking endeavor to prioritize unity above all else, Oneness Pentecostals have unveiled their latest theological innovation: the "One-Verse Bible." This minimalist Bible version contains just a single verse—John 17:21—perfectly capturing the essence of their pursuit of divine oneness.
Oneness Pentecostals, known for their emphasis on the belief that God is singular in essence and takes on different modes, have rallied around John 17:21 as their spiritual mantra.
"We've condensed the entire Bible into one verse that encapsulates the core of our beliefs," declared Reverend Adam Adams, the visionary behind the "One-Verse Bible." "It's the ultimate statement of unity!"
John 17:21 reads: "That they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me."
With the "One-Verse Bible," Oneness Pentecostals believe they have found the key to harmonizing their theological stance and exemplifying the pursuit of spiritual oneness.
Reverend Adams also shared plans to launch "Unification Seminars," where participants will memorize John 17:21 through intensive repetition, affirming their unity as they recite the verse in unison.
Critics, however, questioned whether a Bible consisting of only one verse could truly provide a comprehensive understanding of Christian doctrine.
In response, Reverend Adams said, "Who needs dozens of verses when you have the most powerful verse that speaks directly to oneness? It's all about divine simplicity!"
Another supporter of the "One-Verse Bible" vehemently expressed, "The only valid baptism is the one done in one name, and the only valid Bible verse is the one written in John 17:21!"
As the "One-Verse Bible" gains traction, church bookstores have reported a surge in demand, with congregants seeking to streamline their study time while maximizing their devotion to John 17:21.
"We used to carry massive study Bibles, but now we have pocket-sized 'One-Verse Bibles' for those on the go," shared bookstore manager, Grace Well.
One person, who wished be to only identified as a Christian, commented, "I bet fifty bucks that these people also put their hands in boxes of snakes."
are you talking to me Roger
Hmm...🤔😂 I think you're off in your understanding of the Arminian view of the conversion process 😅 I'll explain in the other group...😉
Title: In Shocking Display of Hypocrisy, Arminian Asks God to Save His Friend
———
Arminian preachers are calling out Bobby’s shockingly hypocritical prayer for God to save His friend Joe.
“Doesn’t Bobby know his friend is the master of his fate and the captain of his soul? Only Joe can decide his eternal fate! Only he can open his blind eyes and see!” said Pastor Abel Freeman of First Seeker Church.
Local reporters shared a recording of Bobby’s prayer: “dear God,” Bobby can be heard saying, “please save Joe. I don’t know how you’ll do it, but please don’t compromise his free will even if it means he would believe and go to heaven and be eternally happy. There’s just too much to lose if his free will is compromised. Anyway, thanks for respecting our decisions even if they bring us eternal ruin. Amen.”
Meanwhile, Joe decided he wanted to read a book instead of playing his usual video games. He felt the strange desire to find out what Bobby meant about the Bible being so good. He was amazed to see Bobby was right. He even decided to follow Jesus!
Upon hearing of this, Bobby thanked God for stepping aside and letting Joe decide.
Roger you and Renee are sibling coool me and Micah are siblings
Now I'm very curious as to who you are Babel Bee 🤔😂 Fortunately for me, I can ask Renee, my sister, who she thinks you are 😏
Title: Developers of Bible Memory Removes Special Formatting to Shield Users from Italics and Paragraph Breaks
——
In a daring move that has app users scratching their heads and squinting their eyes, developers have released a security update to the Bible Memory platform: stripping away special formatting like italics and paragraph breaks to ensure users are safeguarded from format manipulation.
Gone are the days of visually distinct text. The "PlainTextPalooza" update now presents users with an unadorned sea of characters, creating a digital landscape reminiscent of ancient scrolls.
"Users were abusing this," said app creator, Brett Golson. With no italics or paragraph breaks, now there's no room for manipulation or confusion!
Users, however, have expressed mixed emotions over the radical change. Some find themselves in a labyrinth of never-ending sentences, while others resort to deciphering messages like cryptic codes.
"It's like reading the Matrix," chuckled one user, squinting at the screen. "I'm still trying to figure out what 8#39;s means."
In response to the update, literary enthusiasts are now offering "Textography Workshops" to train users in the art of discerning meaning from unformatted texts. The workshops teach participants how to spot implied pauses and decipher emotive context without the crutch of italics.
Title: Catholic Diocese Announces Plans for New "Holy Water Super Soaker" Baptism Service
—
In a bold move to modernize traditional baptism ceremonies, a Catholic diocese has unveiled plans to introduce a cutting-edge baptismal innovation: the "Holy Water Super Soaker" service.
Gone are the days of daintily sprinkling water with a font—prepare to be drenched in divine grace! The diocese's decision comes as an effort to cater to a new generation of believers seeking a splashier and more immersive sacramental experience.
Bishop Aquarius Aquinas, known for his innovative ideas, explained, "We wanted to create a baptismal service that truly makes a splash! We believe that the 'Holy Water Super Soaker' perfectly embodies the essence of Catholicism—immersion, purification, and a whole lot of holy hydration!"
The revamped baptismal service will see priests wielding water-filled Super Soaker guns, playfully dousing the faithful with copious amounts of blessed water. Families are encouraged to bring towels and waterproof rosaries to partake fully in the splish-splashing sacrament.
Father Benedict, one of the enthusiastic priests embracing the new approach, said, "This is a game-changer! The joy on the faces of the baptized as they embrace the watery cascade is truly a sight to behold. Plus, it's great fun for us priests too!"
While the "Holy Water Super Soaker" service has garnered support from the congregation, traditionalists have expressed reservations. Some worry that the playful nature might diminish the solemnity of the sacrament, while others are concerned about waterlogged hymnals.
Nevertheless, Bishop Aquinas remains confident in the decision, stating, "Our Catholic faith has a rich history of adaptability. Just as St. Patrick embraced the shamrock to explain the Trinity, we're embracing the Super Soaker to bring joy and laughter to the celebration of new life in Christ!"
🤣 Oh my WORD! This is hilarious 🤣
Editorial on Will's comment—
Much thanks also goes out to Will, another user here on Bible Memory.
In a response to a previous Babel Bee article, he also said, "’Im gonna have to check my friends socks now."
Yes, Will, you should definitely go do that from now on. 🤣
I’m gonna have to check my friends socks now
Mysterious Journalist Thanks Woman for Liking Articles—
Unknown Location - In a perplexing turn of events, a mysterious journalist has baffled readers and Bible memorizers alike by publicly expressing gratitude to a woman for liking their articles. The enigmatic journalist, known only by the username "Babel Bee," took to the most popular source of news on Bible Memory, Real News Today, to extend heartfelt thanks to a woman identified simply as "Renée."
Renée's post read, "Who in the world?? These two articles are so intriguingly written! Bravo to the author! 👏 (which I'm pretty sure I know who it is 😏😅) "
In response, Babel Bee commented, "Thank you so much, Renée, for the nice words. It took me hundreds of hours of non-stop research and work to get these articles out, so thank you." Babel Bee, however, did not make a comment when asked if they thought Renée really knew who it was.
Who in the world?? These two articles are so intriguingly written! Bravo to the author! 👏 (which I'm pretty sure I know who it is 😏😅)
Calvinists Shocked to Discover Predestination Includes Their Sock Choices—In a theological twist that has left Calvinists in a state of existential sock-ial dilemma, a recent revelation has surfaced, suggesting that even the smallest details of their lives, including sock choices, are predestined.
The stunning discovery was made when a group of devout Calvinists gathered for a conference on divine sovereignty and free will. As they passionately debated the intricacies of predestination, one attendee noticed an uncanny similarity in their sock patterns. Soon, it became apparent that every Calvinist at the conference was wearing matching argyle socks, without any prior agreement or consultation.
In a theological frenzy, attendees sought guidance from their revered theologians. Dr. Jon Kelvin, renowned Calvinist theologian, took to the podium to address the crisis. "Brethren, it appears that our sock choices have been decreed from eternity past," he declared, stroking his matching argyle socks with a mix of awe and bewilderment.
Theological debates erupted throughout the conference, with some proposing that perhaps the pattern of the sock was predetermined, but the color was a matter of free choice. Others argued that even the brand and material of the socks were foreknown by a divine plan.
As the theological discourse escalated, attendees scrambled to find any evidence of autonomy in their sock drawers. However, their efforts seemed futile, as it became apparent that their sock choices were as predetermined as the salvation of the elect.
One attendee, in a state of sock-tastic shock, cried out, "If our sock choices are ordained, does that mean God is also deciding our footwear for eternity?!" The room fell silent as the magnitude of the theological quandary sank in.
The conference concluded with a unifying call to embrace the mystery of divine socklection, with attendees finding solace in the notion that their sock drawer was a sacred tapestry woven by the divine loom of sovereignty.
Local Man Declares His Couch a Sovereign Nation, Creates 'Republic of Coziness'—Suburbia, USA - In a move that has left his family and neighbors both amused and befuddled, local resident John Smith has declared his beloved couch a sovereign nation, officially christening it the "Republic of Coziness." With great pomp and ceremony, Smith raised a miniature flag featuring a cushioned emblem on his couch and declared himself the "Supreme Comforter" of the new nation. He even composed a national anthem, aptly titled "The Anthem of Unyielding Relaxation," which he plays loudly every evening, much to the chagrin of nearby residents.
Smith's family was initially supportive of his quirky declaration, but they now find themselves navigating a complex web of diplomatic relations as they seek permission to sit on the newly minted "Throne of Tranquility." Access to the Republic of Coziness is now heavily restricted, with a passport system and mandatory "Snuggle Visa" requirements for any visitor daring to enter the domain.
A press conference held in Smith's living room featured a charismatic speech that left reporters wondering if he had appointed himself not only the Supreme Comforter but also the Master of Metaphors. His statement that "the couch is both a physical and metaphorical refuge, a fortress of feelings and fluff," left even seasoned journalists scratching their heads.
As news of the Republic of Coziness spread, social media erupted with a mix of humor and skepticism. Some users praised Smith's ingenuity, declaring him the "King of Comfort" and the "Champion of Couch Potatoes." Meanwhile, others couldn't help but wonder if this quirky endeavor was just an elaborate scheme to avoid sharing the remote control.
Despite the initial laughs, some experts have speculated that the Republic of Coziness might face potential challenges in the international arena. Questions have been raised about the couch's stance on global issues and its foreign policy towards other furniture in the household.
In the meantime, Smith remains undeterred, inviting visitors to enjoy the benefits of his newfound nation, from endless Netflix marathons to epic naps. He envisions a future where other furniture items might join the movement, creating a "League of Lounging" that will redefine the boundaries of comfort and relaxation.
As the Republic of Coziness continues to establish its identity, one thing is certain: John Smith's couch will go down in history as the coziest, quirkiest sovereign nation in suburbia, and its residents will forever be known as citizens of the land of perpetual relaxation.
Breaking News: Users are experiencing technical difficulties across BM in group descriptions and message boards. In totally unrelated news, we would like to warn you about a :68&!43””, which has been terrorizing unsuspecting children and teens by hiding under their )3.)&”7 and in their ‘ffssyi. Three deaths have already been reported, and the :68&!43 is thought to be r3sponsibl3. Be sure to check your ;!@6;32 and your 632$&8854 to make sure it isn’t in your room before you go to sleep. Failure to 63:(), :)88&, and 404 could also increase your chances of death at the hands of this :68&!43. Be careful out there, and be 543)&<%}{|($$743!#}{€¥ $(44$99>}{|€ *)7633(). Goodnight everyone!
Im not capable of taking a breath every second..
Title: I, just, found, out, how, much, I, love, commas, Article; So, the, major, story for, today, is, that the, only person to, go, to the, moon,, would not tell, us if it, is, made,, of cheese. The Society For Cheese In Space, said, they were, outraged that, their emails were ignored. Some, social media, users, found the idea, of a, cheesy moon ridiculous,, but Dr,., Art Hamledim, an astronomer, at Morgoth University, said, “I believe science, proves that TSFC,S is right ab,out the moon being made of cheese.,,” He also, asked,, his, generous followers, to donate to his research, fund to buy, a new yacht. For, astronomical purposes, of, course., While most, people, are not taking, it seriously, or taking much of anything seriously for that matter, if successful, Dr., Hamledim could, win a Nobel, Price. We wish, him, the best, of luck.
hey if anyone is on youtube then please check out my channel called dreams drawing! thanks!
Lol, CNN, you could've added that the bubble gum wrapper went to a Presbyterian minister, who told him that he was just predestined to be that way for his whole life 😂
🤣 Lol, ok I've gotta know who these different accounts are! 😆 Like "The Most Trusted Source of News and Facts" and "Comic News Network". They sound like you, Will, but they were posting while you were gone 😂 So I'm kinda thinking it's *e**y 🤔😏
Bubble Gum Wrapper Wonders If There’s More to Life Than Being Wadded Up and Thrown Away
A bubble gum wrapper from Urtrascan, Ohio had an existential crisis last Monday. The cause? The wrapper realized she could be doomed to being a wadded up piece of nothing for the rest of her life. To find the answer she went to a baptist minister. But the minister freaked out that the gum wrapper could talk and ran away. She went to a Pentecostal pastor. He said, “demon of this wrapper, I cast you out!” Shaken and even more distressed, the bubble gum wrapper went to an SDA minister. He told the wrapper to take more time to rest, especially on Saturday. But she already rested everyday in her little trash can. So she went to a Catholic priest who said to wait on the Lord. And so, the wadded up bubble gum wrapper did just that.
I think it's also called World Watch News.
There's this thing called World Watch that is produced by Christian Journalists that tells about daily news and stuff. It tells about things that are happening around the world in about ten minutes or so.
it’s not very active anymore… but I’m here!!
I joined 3 weeks a go should I just leave is this group deleted🤷🤷
Yah…. *feigned shock* amazing!😯
*feigned shock* Oh, wow! That's amazing! 😮
Sammy, ah, that's cool! 😅
News: The Bible contains the reversed spelling of Hannah! 😮
Yeahhh @Vera it just popped up so I checked it out I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a doppelganger until I watched the video. It was about a kinda “competition” where doppelgangers came and were tested and scanned too see who was the most alike and the pair that was got some kind of world record or something.
And, lol, I noticed that 😂
Sammy, oh cool! I'd like to look more into it sometime, but there's also a lot of junk that comes up 😒
Tmtsonaf, lol, palindromes led to doppelgangers, cause the results had come up with James Lindon's poem 😅
Alllso if you spell Hannah backwards you spell Hannah.
I watched a documentary on doppelgangers and it’s prettttty amazing.
Oh, that’s what you were talking about. I thought you were talking about something with words like with palindromes. 😂
Actual definition: "A doppelganger isn't someone who just resembles you, but is an exact double, right down to the way you walk, act, talk, and dress."
Well, tho a doppelganger can also be a reference to evil things (😬), the definition I was looking into was the one where someone in the world can look and act basically exactly alike another person who is NOT related (closely, at least). That's my definition, from what I've seen 😅
Tell me what doppelgangers are. 🤔
That literally just sent me on like a 15 minute Google search on palindromes and doppelgangers 🤣🤣
Cool! I never realized that..🤔😆
True fact: If you spell Bob backwards, you still spell Bob. 🤯
Haha, that's funny, Tsonaf 🤣
Buddies would have been a better word. Nice.
Fun fact: Johnny Appleseed planted the first pineapple tree when he planted a pine cone with an apple seed inside.
Sorry for Hank H. and buddies though….😒🤣🤣
🤣 That's classic. Thanks!
Are just* That was not a misprint..
Spare us the grammar corrections. They just are misprints that unfortunately cannot be fixed.
From last winter’s news: “Band of Texans stands firm against the invading snowstorm, fighting for state rights”—As many in the Lone Star State brace for record-low temperatures this winter, one band of Texans have defied all warnings of the imminent extreme winter storm. One of the them, Hank H.—who, along with everyone gathered there, was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans and barbecuing outside in 20°F—agreed to speak to our reporter. “I tell you what! This storm ain’t got no right to take our heat and our way of life! We’re ain’t gonna let no foreign winter storm tell us what we can and can’t do.” Already showing signs of hypothermia, he continued, “Like how the boys at the Alamo stood against Santa Anna and his men, we’re all gonna stand our ground in this no matter what and continue barbecuing our steak. Winter don’t belong here in Texas!” He and the rest of the band, along with their steaks and cans of Dr. Pepper, froze not too long after.
Humph, no more news articles 😞
Lollll is all I can I can say lollll😂🤣
I re-added my collection and it added 20 verses as being current 🤷🏻♂️
It used to have my collection of verses I’m currently memorizing 🧐
Lol Will.. How do you have 51 verses current when there is only 1 verse to memorize here? 😆
Roger, yes. With my tired brain, I ended up with that garbled paragraph that probably doesn't--and isn't exactly supposed to--make sense... Lol🙈 😂 After I posted it, I actually thought of a few more things I could've put in 😅
Vera, did you write that yourself? 🤔 If so, that was pretty good 😂
Only thing I understood was the last line...
I'm a FAN! Please give me your autograph @RNT!
It's always advantageous to advise others about advice offered from one who writes wandering and weird words for worries they wonder about while trying to make sense of insults an in-law gave them to insult them in their ingenuous inquiry into idioms
Thank you for this confusingly confusing article about confusion, RNT! 🤣
Yesss I love them too! (The news)
Oh that's hilariously confusing!!🤣🤣😂😂😂
Geriatric psychiatry is akin to eye cancer in this one way. They both have pimples. Also known as popcorn ceilings, these awful acnes cause acute awareness of ones own understanding errors. These understanding errors cause side effects such as coughing, confusion, vague wording, misplaced modifiers, and wheedling. These side effects are so beneficial to geriatric psychiatrists that they often go barefoot for hours in the sun to get a tan on their feet. That way the side effects take affect effectually. Eye cancer on the other hand benefits from these side effects because they are blue. Therefore, geriatric psychiatrists and skin cancer get along very well. And that, good sirs, is how James Buchanan was elected as the 15th president of the United States.
Grammarly is a computer system that checks your grammar for you. I abviously don’t have needed it
Dante, I actually had never even heard of Grammarly until I started seeing it on YT ads. But I've never used it. I've just gone thru the same old lessons in grammar books each school year, until I graduated, that I have it engrained in me now 🤣
Avery, I'm quite particular about using good grammar, lol 😂
Ohh 😂 *cough* cough* *cough* *cough*
I have installed Grammarly on my keyboard.. 🤣🤣
Sorry if that sounds offensive. (It's not my intent)
Who needs corrections by men, when you got Grammarly 😎😎😎
Can I give a small grammar correction?? 👀...*Had he EATEN them... 😅 Sorry, I just had to 😂
Yeah me too that was funny!🤣🤣😂😂
The beens wouldn’t be green if they give you indigestion @Avery
Thanks, more coming soon :)
Can't wait to hear more from the series 😉
Wow, that's a funny one 😆
Let's see just remembered to look on here.... reading...
Welcome to historical shards. A new series on Real News Today with 100% accurate takes on historical events
Historical Shard #1: When George Washington died, he left a plate full of green beans by his bed. Had he ate them he may have survived his illness, not because he would have gotten well necessarily, but because his doctor would have died of indigestion. People rarely die of indigestion, but George Washington’s doctor was a likely candidate. This particular quack often ate syrup for breakfast, leaches for lunch, and ostrich onions for dinner. At the height of his edible campaign, he would even wake up at midnight to eat a bowl of lard cooky pancakes with a touch of moist. How very sad George Washington never ate those green beans.
Hallo! I've been gone for a very long timee
“Dogs were invented when dogs were created”
Ahhh! Never heard it that way before 👀😅
Cap means nonsense or lies in slang, is that what you mean @Dante?
Dante, you can be so mysterious sometimes 👀😆
Too bad that the world is an interactive green screen though 😔
I should probably go to bed now, too
Avery, you're gonna make it seem like I'm intensive 😂
I don't like the rain either
Oops, sorry 😬 I was checking groups
Good! It's been rainy most of the day 😕
Pretty good! 😅 How's yours been?
Hey! How's your day been?
Markerman, I can definitely tell there's a marker on the other side of your screen 😆
Why does everyone have so many alts? 🤔🤣
im actually just a marker
phithetastua 😂 nice article
But yeah that would be pretty cool (and kinda creepy too) @Avery lol
Haha ya I’m 💯 a real person lol
Title: Alt or Nothing. Article: BM is fraught with alternate accounts leaving many users confused. Everyone has to wonder whether a new alt is an agent, a spammer, or a real person. Looking into this question is our secret operative @PhiThetaKappa who found some intriguing answers. “We have discovered that no BM accounts have real people behind them,” said PhiThetaKappa in his report, “everything is a simulation and nothing is real.” After hearing this report, several BM users were quick to protest saying, “That’s baloney! Of course our accounts have real people on the other end!” “Yeah,” echoed another user, “does PhiThetaStupa really think AI bots are eating all that milk?” Despite @PhiThetaKappa’s histrionic warnings, BM seems to be sliding along oilily.
Also, if anyone has a funny article, feel free to post it here 😎
Thanks, and you’re welcome
Also, I made Avery and several other people admin
New article in an Hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe you, don't worry 😂 I was just a little skeptical at first 😅
We can even take this to court
Hmmm, for some reason, I feel like that's not 🤔
Oh wow really @Will?? Cool!
Cool! (I run Real News Today btw)
y ish dat a bad idea?? 🤔🤔🤔 my shoshul shecuwity numbew ish 498 93 4956 😁😁😁😊😊
Lol, I don't think so 😅 Roger was just kinda joking 😂
Has that happened before on here?
In other words, if the wrong person gets a hold of it, they could ruin your life
SSN is Social Security Number 😂
what does it mean idk 🤷♀️
What's SSN?................. Lol ig....😅😂
Moral of the story: never post your SSN on Bible Memory, even if it's a private group 🤣
yikes!! 😵 thea wer top thecet thpy groups!!??? wat if i twy 2 hide my fishiesh und mewcuwey?? 😥
Breaking News: Chaos in BM. Article: Recent spamming has lead to the exposure of tons of top secret spy groups that were previously used to monitor behavior on BM. Actions by these spy groups often resulted in the expulsion of BM users deemed to be too disruptive to contribute to BM society. If you're thinking about spamming, just remember, Big Brother Is Watching You 👁! Luckily, you have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide, so you'll be fine 😁
i ackchewy once wote an awticle for dish gwoop 😇😇😇
Actually, this is a newschannel, but we keep getting interrupted by animals!
Errrrrr what’s the group all about anyways?!
my brother is joined is that okay?
NOOOOOO!!!!!! don’t join dah communisht piggies 😱😱🐧🐧
NO! DONT DOO IT!! ITS A TWAP!! 😡😱😡
Join my group Stupid Penguins but Superior Pigs, comrades!
oh interesting didnt know the encyclopedia had me in it too
thanks and yeah if I ever saw a pooca I would be scared 😳
@haven no but glad you enjoyed it😄
@Will wow a Pooca sounds…. cool yet scary if ya ever saw one😅😂
yeah I think we watched “harvey” a while ago
From the encyclopedia: P O O K A - Pooka - from old Celtic mythology - a fairy spirit in animal form - always very large. The pooka appears here and there - now and then - to this one and that one - a benign but mischievous creature - very fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are you, Markerman?
please join my group called “sort of active group” it’s sort of active 😅
And @Addie is that a wolf??
@Will. Six foot three and a half? Are you talking about a real rabbit?
Sometime I would like to have a mix between these two🐺🐕
Though mine is a bit more like a mix of both of these:🐕🐩
Dogs. Definitely dogs are my fav.🐕
Harvey is a 6 foot 3 and a 1/2 inch tall white rabbit who is also a pooka
hare rabbit and pika are lagomorphs
Never heard of that kind of animal…
@Daetric Ohhh ok lol sure haha
me too our dog is so cute 😊!
What's your guys fav Animal?
Haha, Idk I just like it lol
Daetric why do you keep putting that emoji?!
What kind of Algebra question is that, comrade??
So im struggling with this algebra question:
Finding expressions for the four roots of 𝑎𝑥4+𝑏𝑥3+𝑐𝑥2+𝑑𝑥+𝑒=0
can anyone help without telling me the answer?
P:S hi
you can delete that post if you’d like 😅
🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂😃😃😀😄😃😄😃😀😃😀😃😀😃😀😃😀
😂😂😂Good job! That’s great!⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
😂 That one is really funny
Both of these two--so good! Great job! 😂 Take the channel underground, so you can continue! 😆
Breaking News: Man Decides To Follow His Heart. Article: The world has been thrown into chaos after a man from Poppatooka, Kansas decided to follow his heart. The situation is still unfolding, but government sources are saying that all citizens should take shelter immediately, underground if possible. “All citizens be warned,” said General Copter, “if you do not take shelter, you will be insinerated and there is nothing we can do.” Some scientists are also saying that every plant and animal will be insinerated as well. We reached out to the man for comment and he told us this: “I just got these nuclear bombs for my birthday, and I just HAD to use them. I couldn’t rest unless I did! I just have to do what makes me happy like everyone else. Why is everyone freaking out about that? I don’t get it!” If this turns out to be our last issue, just know, it’s been an honor sharing the news with you all.
idk 🤷♀️ I just said that for no reason at all
That's just on a personal note. Lol
I don't care too much if people sing Christmas music after Christmas. But if someone who lives in the same house with you wants to sing it nonstop sunrise till sunset... Then I might get their point. Lol
Title: Christmas Music Banned in This City Article: Hartness, Tennessee, a small town of about 700 residents, is dividing the nation with its new ban on Christmas music set to take effect midnight tonight. “We’ve tolerated these songs long enough,” said Hartness mayor Loretta Killjoy, “You can play them after Thanksgiving, fine, whatever, but after New Years, that’s it!” “Frankly, I just can’t stand any more Mariah Carey assualting my ears!” Said elderly resident Olga Thomson, “this ban is music to my ears.” Outside, a small crowd of protesters shrieked, erm, sang All I Want For Christmas Is You at the steps of the town hall. Our correspondent spoke to the leader of the opposition group. “This ban is an assault on our freedom!” Said the leader, Tina Annoya, a local activist and resent high school grad, “we love Christmas music and no one is going to stop us from showing it.” Tina and other activists are hoping to sue the town government to restore their “right to be annoying.”
Happy New Year! Thank you to you our wonderful readers and of course, our lovely sponsers too. Without you there would be no bilge publications like RNT to entertain you. ❤️
Articles should be more fair now
News: We had a change of management
hash weal newsh tooday gone out uf bishnesh? 😯😯
i fink me know hoo yoo'sh ish 🤔🤔
can I be a penguins friend?
Yesh, DA FISHY SHPAM ISH DA BESHT! 😋😋🐟🐟🤤🤤
oo meesh likesh deh FOOD shpam. but NUT deh poshts
do u like spam i heard its made out of fish
🥓🍳🤤😋 deh besht bakin meesh had in uh WONG time! 😋😋
I hop dat aw uf yoo got out yeshterday and voted fa da pengwinsh 😀😊😊 I did 😄😄🙃🙃
😵 hoo aw uu??? i didnt wealise i had soo manee pengwin wellitifs!!
ish a mishtwy...🕵️♂️🕵️♂️🕵️♂️
i confoosed...🤔🤨🤔 if cheh and i's dint howd da Weal Newsh up, den who did? 🤔🧐🧐
Exzactwy @A. TN3R, doe to be cleer, ‘e did not shay dat I vas dee stoopid penguin dat shtuck ‘Im up
@Markerman because Chair is a self-proclaimed stupid penguin.
Or whatever you want to call it. It isn't that common though, so it's uncommon.
Using my uncommon knowledge, that is.
@Hewwo Pengwin. I also haven't seen you in person, so I
can't say you do look like the other penguins. But, I can Prove that you do not look like the other penguins or any penguin at all in real life.
why did chair let the news publisher call him a stupid penguin
yes im markerman so idk if its for me to read
Glad to get that cleared up 🙄
alsho, I vould wike 2 take FUW cwedit 4 witing dat awitcle 😊😊😁😁 aldoe i DEFWINTWY dint ush a gun on da newsh pubwisher 🤨🤨
Adolthf! 😮 i'm appawwd dat yoo wood even TINK dat im a piggy in dishguysh! 😱😱 imma da mosht PYOO BWOODED pengwen yoo coud eva meat!
mawkewman ith mawekewman 😏😇
weel newth 2day dooo i look like aw de udder pengwinth??? 🤔😕
@markerman. The movies like "Angry Birds The Movie" 1 and 2.
It is a really great and awesome series, but I just wanted to know if your age would be fine for reading the series.
@markerman. I asked because I was going to recommend a book so you could find out what Roush and Shataikai are.
idk which penguin did it, they all look the same
I will “extewmunate aw duh wittew piggese” like u swaid 🐧
Bwut I will impwament da “exterminate duh pigwets” law dat u pengwins suppwort! Unwess ur actwually a piggysh in disqwuise cwazy kid and chair! 😨😨
like which movies? peppa pig?
do i believe the penguin who held the newspaper guy gunpoint or the penguin with a rectangular mustache 🤔🤔🤔
@Markerman. How old are you?
If I remember correctly, the pigs were the bad guys in the movies...🤔
Why are there so many penguins here?
and Cheh! 😱😨 yoo held da Weal Newsh Today wif a gun!? 😯😯 i fot yoo wash gunna vire da money 🤔🤔
😱😱 no vay doo we shupport yoo!! beshides, yoo not a capitawisht 😡😡
Vee do not shupport u!!!!!!!!!!!!
You ah an imposter !!!!!!!!!
I pwomise evweyone dat I will make aw da white waws and make shure aw da big bad piggysh aw wocked up!! 😡😡😡
Yeeesss, vote fa me!!! U won’t regwet it! 😁
A stupid penguin held me at gunpoint, so what else could I do? I had to publish it! I'm very sorry.
PENGWENS FA PWESHIDENT!! ✊🐧✊🐧 Dish upcoming ewekshion, evweyone musht vote aw da pengwins into offish!! PENGWENS AW DA BESHT POLYTISHIANS!! 🐧🐧🐧 Dey make aw da white waws and make shure aw da big bad piggysh aw wocked up in jail!! 😡😡 Dey awshow shtand up fa pengwen wites!! Yoo can twusht yo pengwen weadersh too bee twoo captitawishts! 😇😇 Show head down too da norsh and soush poles and VOTE FA DA PENGWENS!! DOWN WIFF DA COMMUNISHT PIGGYSH!! 😡😡
hey ive seen ur tv show peppa ur famous
Vy hashn't my awticle ben poshted yet? 🤔🤔 Ewekshion day ish onwy WON WEAK fwom today! 😮 Ve half too get owoo campain going 😎😎🐧🐧
😱😱😱 Ve ken't let da piggysh take ova!!
the whole world is made out of lego
peppa is made out of lego
ITSH DAH WORSHT PIGWET OF DEM ALL!!!!
I dont twust da piggy napoleon 🤔🤔
yesh, and pengwens white GWEAT awticles!! 😀😀😃😄 (foorshadoughing) 🙃😉😉😎
u can write news with markers
a communist french pig anything goes
someone give me a logical explanation for why a news group has been abducted by penguins, french leaders and markers
sharks eat penguins right
markerman needs to think this is hard
‘e shaid, “I totawwy won’t take aww ur ware markers 4 myshelf” vhich ish sharkashtic 😬🫐😱🫐😬
I give you my word as a pig that I will not confiscate your blueberry markers and send you to the gulag. 😁😏
oh did i tell u i have a whole box of them ill get more right
i do really like my blueberry marker tho
i thought he said he totally wouldnt take them
But he shaid he wood take ur ware boobewwy mawker!!! 🫐🫐😱🫐🫐
free expo markers sounds nice tho
a nibble ?!? nibble on your sharpies not my expo markers
does anyone know about the new theory? the whole world is actually an interactive green screen!
scientifically proven!
but doont vowwy! dey vill beesh shafe und shound wif me!!
maaybeesh jusht a nibbl doe if dey shmelsh goood
mawkewman u can twust me wif aw yowa mawkews und i wont eetsh dem 😇
yesh! but wate ..... ishnt dat da game i pwayed awots??
(I totally won’t just take all your rare markers for myself 😏)
He’s a capitalist penguin, Markerman! He’ll have a monopoly on Expo markers, and you’ll break your back just to afford a pack of them. However, if you join me, you can have all the Expo markers you want, for free!!!
ok i can trust a penguin who knows expo is good for dry erase
i was going to trust napoleon but now i see i cant trust a pig who wastes perfectly good markers by eating them. dont want u to eat my rare blueberry expo marker when im not looking 😨😰
Expo ish good 4 dwy ewase. I Napoleon eating expo mawkers because he’s a pig
ummmm shawpees 🤔 i fink...
first what is ur favorite brand of markers
mawkewman u can twust pengwins we on yowa side 😁
i suppose other dry erase markers are ok but expo markers are the gold standard of dry erase
i do have expo wet erase markers but they arent satisfying for me to use and dont have the smell of dry erase marker smell
Trust the Roush. Not the shataiki.
Or other dry erase markers.
What about a wet erase marker?
i know i can trust my expo marker but idk about these penguins and pigs now
now im not sure who to trust 🤔🤔
“Exterminate duh pigwets” sounds like penguinazism! 😱
You’re supposed to throw the bomb after you light the fuse, penguin 👋😁
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
My bwain ish melting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t let Chair deceive you! All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. Chair doesn’t like the fact that we pigs are the most equal of animals.
Wun away eveeone!!!! Ish dah eevil pigwet!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t trust these penguins!
Chauh u wote a weeley weeley goood awtickle! me TOEtuwee agwee wif u!! i haf a simwer stowe 2 tew 😢 me deuw uncle cuzin Awthew went 2 duh zoooo und he seen a BIG BAD EVAL piggwet . he skweeem so woudwe me hewad him 2 inchiz uway!!! und duh piggie did nut evin say swowwy!! 😡 so me sine duh puhtishin und shay extewmunate AW duh wittew piggese,!! 🐖🐷💣 tank u tank u
u DEFINITELY want to twust deh capitalist penguins!!!!!!!!! 😃😇😎😇😃
i think ill trust a penguin with my credit card and social security number
communist pigs or capitalist penguins 🤔🤔
Opinion article: 🐷🐖 Pigwets Are EVIL !!! 🐖🐷: written by Chair:
Disclaimer: the opinions in this article are exclusively those of the author and most certainly NOT those of Real News Today. We apologize in advance.
Article: BEWARE OF DEH PIGWETS!!!!!! DAY AW EEEEEVIIIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you see a pigwet in your vicinity, RUN AWAY ASHAP!!!! I am shtawting a petition to exshterminate ALL deh evil pigwets because of how dangewous day aw! Jusht lasht veek, one of me fellow penguins wan into uh pigwet 😱! Dey wah nevah dah same agin 😱😨😱!!! I have never seen a penguin become so twaumatized after an encounter wif any uhduh being 😨😰😱😰😨!!!! If u luv penguins and hate EVIL pigwets, SIGN DUH PETITION!!!!!!!!!! Save deh penguins 🐧🐧🐧!!! Exterminate duh pigwets 🐷🐖🐽🐖🐷!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭 SIGN DUH PETITION!!!!! 🐧😭🐧😱🐧😭🐧
Link: https://uquiz.com/quiz/7Pomge?Embed=False
I’m not comfortable sharing that information
@Vera. Yeah, sibling do that sometimes😂
@TN3R. Do you have any siblings?
🤣 im assuming ur both siblings
You know how we have a bad track record of copying each other 🤣
Roger...(from Wed)... you got a point 🤣 But that was probably subconscious 😆
Random Fact: A man made up dinosaur noises without hearing them..
Wow, that was a close coal.
I once almost accidentally started a fire, not too long ago 😅 I was getting ready to cook something on the stove, and I had already put the oil in the pan and turned the burner on, but then I got distracted with something else. 😬 When I realized several minutes later that I had left the pan there, the oil was smoking, and it was probably very close to catching on fire 🙈 But I quickly took the pan off the burner, and it didn't thankfully 😌
@A. TN3R, wow! 😂 @Addie, I think he means that there was just something that caught on fire in the house, but that didn't burn down the house 😅
You had caught something in your house on fire?
That was a little random..
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.. 😰
i should have known it was u since u were the one who told me to not keep my marker vertical in the dogs for Jesus group like i didnt already know
@Vera, the storyline just sounds too similar to my article about the man sentenced to life imprisonment for not feeding his cat 😂
Ohhh!...😏 So it was Henry who made the two other "science" alts 😆
Actually, I haven’t been any of the “science” alts in this conversation
And how's THAT, Roger? 🤔😂
But all the confusion is over now 😅😂
@markerman, yeah, Will made a double of my alt "science" 😆
Sounds like you borrowed quite a few ideas from my article, Vera 🤔😆
Breaking News: Woman Sentenced to Five Years for Operating Soup Kitchen--Part 2: Ms. Lynn was brought to trial this afternoon, and swift justice was met. Judge Fleming sentenced her to five years in prison.
The distinguished Mr. Mickey Basher, millionaire and CEO of the clothing store Rats & Tats stated after hearing the ruling, "I couldn't have done better myself. Judge Flemming did an outstanding job. Anyone who would ever consider doing what Ms. Lynn did this afternoon better think twice. We will not tolerate her inconsiderate, damaging, and hateful practices in our community."
A few minutes later, he was overheard confiding with a dry laugh to a fellow bystander, "I mean, who in his right mind would even ponder giving a dime to those leeches? It could much better be used somewhere else."
Meanwhile, Ms. Lynn's team is protesting the judge's decision, and they are planning to make an appeal soon.
Breaking News: Woman sentenced to five years for operating soup kitchen: Twelve yesterday noon, officials were notified of suspicious behavior taking place at the storefront church on the corner of Fairfield Dr. and Equity Ln.
Ms. Wheezy Withers called to report that already eight ragged homeless people had wandered into the building which advertised free hot food and temporary shelter from the blistering cold day.
Within minutes, swarms of policemen surrounded the church, guns at the ready in case of resistance. "People in this sort of operation are completely unpredictable, so you can never be too careful," stated Lt. Harris Nutter.
Had the door not already been unlocked, four specially trained officers were nearby sporting a battering ram to knock it down.
Over a dozen officers swooped into the building, finding and apprehending Sarah Lynn, operator of the soup kitchen, putting her in handcuffs.
This sent the church group into an uprising as they shouted that the police's actions were unjustified.
Ms. Withers, commented on the crowd's unruly behavior. "That's what happens when we allow such unwarranted actions as feeding those disgusting pests. All they want is to ride on other's coattails and feed off their paychecks. And if they can't have it, they whine and whine."
Lol! 🤣 And Will, that article is 😄👍
and i just realized will baited me into that marker question on mgw for his friend the so called real news today 🙂🙃🙂🙃
o wait there are 2 other science
who the other science person then if he not roger or will
Ah man 😂 I had a feeling that that emoji might make my identity too obvious 😆 I guess I tend to use that emoji quite a lot 😅
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 2:42 PM
remove
FACT: My personality must be too obvious. 😂 Goodbye. You're welcome.
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 2:25 PM
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And you're welcome
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 2:24 PM
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FACT: If Will can correctly guess who I am on the first try, then I will leave.
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 2:18 PM
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FACT: This is getting out of hand. You're welcome
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 2:10 PM
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FACT: Facts can be confirmed as true by proof while opinions cannot. A “right” opinion is an opinion in itself and thus is not a fact. You’re welcome.
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 2:10 PM
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FACT: I give you my thanks, REAL SCIENCE. You’re welcome.
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 1:53 PM
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FACT: I am REAL SCIENCE. You’re welcome.
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 1:26 PM
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FACT: Someone is now trying to copy me, but they obviously couldn't find the same font I used for the word "Real". You're welcome.
Monday, Sep 26, 2022 at 12:13 PM
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FACT: Opinions are facts: only the right opinions though. You’re welcome.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 11:28 PM
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FACT: I'm now "REAL SCIENCE", just so that you don't get us confused. You're welcome.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 11:17 PM
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FACT: That last statement was more of an opinion than a fact, lol.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 11:15 PM
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FACT: That was a very good writeup on markers. You're welcome.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 11:12 PM
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FACT: If someone happens to incorrectly use a permanent marker on a whiteboard, you can—through science—erase that permanent marker writing by writing over it with a dry erase marker, and then erasing it with a dry eraser or cloth. The solvent in the dry erase ink breaks down the pigment from the permanent marker, and the oily silicone polymer from dry erase ink bonds to it, effectively making the once permanent marking erasable. You’re welcome, again.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 11:01 PM
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FACT: Permanent markers are not dry erase markers, which is why they are called “permanent markers,” and therefore any sensible person should not use them on a whiteboard or any dry erase surface. We have Expo dry erase markers for a reason—use them. You’re welcome.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 10:48 PM
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FACT: I’m science. You’re welcome.
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 8:10 PM
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And oh yes: you're welcome
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 8:09 PM
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FACT: I'm someone that you all know and trust; so don't worry, I'm just having some fun 😉
Sunday, Sep 25, 2022 at 8:08 PM
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FACT: All my posts just got deleted. You're welcome
They’re not turning the sharpies into expo markers, are they? 😨
@RNT, how was markerman supposed to know that you asked him for comment on that group? 😂
If you go to the Paradox Academy group, you will see we did ask you to comment prior to publication.
comment: permanent markers have an acrylic polymer while expo markers have oily silicone polymer ! they are two different types of markers and cant be the same ! permanent markers are good for other things like on paper but the expo marker is the only way for whiteboards as it it the gold standard of dry erase !! the two types of markers were designed and made for different purposes !!! markerman out
real news took my words out of context !?! 😂🤯😂🤯
Breaking News! Markerman Claims Writing With Permanent Markers On A Whiteboard Is “no problem.”
Article: Resident expert on expo markers and member of the famous BM group Memorize God’s Word, just said in a shocking statement that “it (sic) no problem” if you write with permanent marker on whiteboards. Longtime school teacher Melgahma Therple had thoughts, “I’ve got students who writing with permanent markers on whiteboards all the time now!” She said passionately, “I can’t see anything I write on them anymore, and I have to spend hours erasing them!” Ms. Therple’s experience is not an isolated one. In fact, schools everywhere have recorded an increase in permanent marker use on whiteboards with incidents soaring as much as 100%. “This is a clear case of how markerism is still rampant in our society.” said the new progressive principle of Duport High School in Delaware, Steve Stuckup, “we stand against all forms of hate against markers and will continue to advocate for equality of the markers even if that means a permanent marker can identify as an expo!” We are not sure how Principle Stuckup’s solution is going to decrease permanent marker use on whiteboards, but it sounds really good. Markerman did not respond to our request for comment.
DUDE THE QUEEN DIED 14 hours ago
Breaking News: Philosopher Shocks Interviewer With Real Reason People Choose to Sin. Article: One of our esteemed staff members interviewed the renowned philosopher and theologian Bertrand Purcell this afternoon. After making little headway on the reasons why olive oil is better than butter, we brought up the question of why people sin. His answer is sure to shock you as much as it did us. “Well,” said Bertrand Purcell wisely, “sin is a very difficult subject and the reasons people sin are quite varied. But I think most people sin because they want to.” “Really?” Said our interviewer dumbfounded, “why would anyone want to sin against an all-powerful, perfect, and loving God?” “I know it sounds strange,” said the venerable philosopher mindfully, “and I’m sure none of you would ever dream of displeasing a wonderful God like ours. But when it comes down to it, I can’t see any other reason why people would sin other than that they have the desire to do so.” Our honorable interviewer is now in therapy following a mental breakdown while grappling with the state of the human condition. He will hopefully rejoin our staff once he stops muttering, “How? How could they want to?” at awkward moments.
NeW aRtiCLe CoMinG SOoN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, this group is made up of 64 percent alts 😅😂
You are invited to "ByProPublishings" https://biblememory.com/group/app/bfec35d71d/
you will have to wait and see……
what is the article about?
Hmmm...who are you? 🧐 Will? Dante?? 🤔😆
A New Article Is Comin’ Your Way 🫵🏻
@Will, I'm not an expert on shareholders and businesses and stuff, but here's something I found about them that shows the point I'm trying to make: "A shareholder who owns a majority stake clearly controls the company, but even small shareholders can wield influence, individually or collectively, through their shareholder rights." So, even tho the shareholders may not necessarily OWN the companies they invest in, I'm sure they have a measure of control over them.
Lol, those are some hilarious articles 🤣
Update: This evening, Luis Acéleste disappeared from his manor style house today without a trace. Neighbors reported seeing a large saucer shaped vehicle with lime green light emanating from the bottom hovering over Acéleste’s house. We are not sure what happened, but stay tuned for more updates.
Breaking News: Scientist Positive Finding Aliens On Other Planets Will Disprove Christianity For Some Reason. Article: During yesterday‘s Annual Astronomy Festival, local astronomer, Luis Acéleste, announced to an adoring crowd of media fans that finding intelligent life on other planets will disprove Christianity forever. “Christians think humans are so special they even think they’re made in the image of a god or something,” said the very informed Acéleste, “once we find extraterrestrials, and mark my words we will find them, then we’ll finally prove without a doubt that humans are not special at all and are really just animals. Not some weird image bearing thingamajigs.” He went on to show several mocking comics in his exquisite PowerPoint presentation slideshow to illustrate his point while somehow missing the fact that the Bible doesn’t say anything about whether or not intelligent life exists on other planets.
nEw ArTiCLe CoMiNg sOoN!!!!
@Roger, sorry, I just watched it. It sounds worrying until you see they're mutual funds/investment companies. The investment companies don't own any of the shares that they invest in other companies, instead, their clients own the shares - that means Vanguard and BlackRock don't actually own any part of the companies they invest in. As soon as something bad comes out against one of the companies, they'll have a mass withdrawal and then they'll be done for
Breaking News: Methodist BM Group Chat Complains About Spammers Posting Bible Verses on Chat Wall: Article: Chaos erupted on a Methodist BM Public Group Chat, called “Love Everyone,” after a user (luv4Jesus🌻) posted daily Bible verses on the chat wall for a week straight. The owner of the group finally had enough when several other new users also began sharing Bible verses they enjoyed. “It’s sad to me when I think about how much time I’ve had to waste deleting these spam posts,” said group owner AcceptanceIsForAll, “I could be using that time to memorize passages from the great modern prophet Robin DiAngelo’s holy text White Fragility.” She went on to explain that she accepts people of all backgrounds, but cannot allow hateful speech such as applying “outdated” Bible verses to modern humanity. “Just a few days ago luv4Jesus🌻 posted Romans 1:16 and explained that it helped her to share the gospel with her muslim friend!” exclaimed an aghast AcceptanceIsForAll, “its just like how racist colonialists tried to force Christianity on everyone way back when. Instead, we should be creating a safe space, so that people can share their experiences, so we can know how to better love and accept them for who they are, not forcing old fashioned interpretations of the Bible on them!” After several more hours of AcceptanceIsForAll lecturing about intersectionality, Real News Today was finally able to reach out to luv4Jesus🌻 for comment, she said, “I don’t get get what’s going on here. I thought Bible Memory was supposed to be about memorizing the Bible. And discussing it in the chats. And this Karen thinks that’s spam?? Imma stick to The Bible Brigade from now on, sheesh.” Just a few minutes before publishing time we received an update saying that AcceptanceIsForAll’s account was deleted for spam reporting innocent users.
Especially about why my question didn't get answered... 🤔😜 *hehe* jk kinda, but I'm still kinda interested to hear your thoughts on that, if you have time 😉
And Malidoes is also real, I think..
But to be honest. Selorixerzaster equipment is real.. And the Spicyesezor Web is real too.. It’s the DARKER version of The Dark Web.. A. TN3R probably accessed the web, somehow..
Has anyone seen my wallet? It looks like this: 𝖜𝖆𝖑𝖑𝖊𝖙
A. TN3R is hallucinating..
Hmmm...a likely story 🤔🤨🤣
My fellow Co-worker (Aggent QZ) Managed to use the same equipment to teleport to safety.. But he didn’t teleport to Russia like I did. According to my Zalitez Watch, he landed in a lake in Austria.. The group of Selorixerzaster equipment is found in the seolo product which is filled with chemicals such as: Lazziosu, malidose, zepturin, juvenud and Jobueaz. The chemicals all mix together to make shantozes come to real life (shantozes means Teleport)
Could someone write an article about The Meteor that landed in the dessert which affected many mountains and a Spy base with many of my colleagues and co-workers were in it. They all exploded into many pieces and right now are laying in a casket. I managed to survive using super ultra-nilizers which costed me a few million dollars and they are only found in The Spictesezor Web. I grabbed 17 of them and stuck them to my heart, then I used their telisopicalerzit-matorzorixers to bring energy to them so I could teleport to Russia.
Oh ok 😅...you haven't by any chance watched that vid I sent a while back, have you? 😂
I’ve been checking messages every once in a while but I haven’t been spending much time on it rn
@Will, are you still active? 😅😂
I have 3 brothers, almost 14, 10, and almost 5
I'm the oldest out of 4 in my family
Oh nice! 😊 Yeah, we have a younger brother (13) and two older sisters (21 and 24).
I have two brothers, and I’m the middle. You both have a younger brother, is that right?
Just curious about your siblings, like how many, and whether they're older or younger? 😅
Uhuh 😏 Probably picked it up from him 😆
I see. Yeah, my brother worked there 😂
Okay 😅 Just asking, cause on Sad Hour, you said, "My pleasure." I know I say that all the time at work, and ppl ask if I've worked at Chick-fil-A 😅 But it was my sister who worked there 😂
Will, random question. Did you used to work at Chick-fil-a? I know that sounds like an odd question, but I'll explain once you answer 😅
Dante, that's a funny article 😂
I made a list of writers @Dante. Oddly enough, @Bible Man wrote the second article in the group
Dante, remember. You CANNOT talk about Germany without telling me first! Jk
lemme guess.. that one is called “Kingdom”?
@RNT, 🤣🤣 that's a really funny one 😂
We think Bible Man is slouch's alt. he has been making guesses about who BM Police is and asking to enter groups he knows he is not allowed in. I was recently talking to him and when I asked who's alt he was, he left every group that I was in. that is why we are concluding that he is slouch.
Breaking News: Someone Attended An Episcopal Church. Article: Last Sunday, Bishop Ronda Wilder got up to preach like she did every Sunday morning at Hornsby Episcopal Church. But something was different this time. She looked into the pews and was shocked to see a person actually in attendance hoping to listen to the sermon. “I didn’t know what to do,” said Rev. Wilder, “we haven’t had anyone in our congregation for almost 5 years. I decided to the change sermon topic right then and there to something I’m sure this man needed to hear.” She proceeded to lecture her lone parishioner about his unconscious oppression of “gender minorities.” “It seemed pretty judgmental to be honest,” said Jack Laundry who was the lone attendee, “I mean she hadn’t even met me before and she’s telling me I’m hurting her just by being there!” Laundry assured reporters he would never be going back. Meanwhile, Rev. Wilder seemed relieved to have her empty pews back and began spouting off about intersectionality to the amassing dust particles.
New article coming soon!!!
The whole thing was solid but yes I thought that part was particularly funny
@Will, you thought THAT was the funniest part of the whole thing? 😂
you mean "has", not "had" 🤔😜
Wow, Roger! That was actually pretty good 😂 Your writing had definitely improved from a few years ago 😜
“…, whose reputation is a far-cry from what his name suggests.” 🤣
Of course, while the story is a bit of an exaggeration, it's not very far from how things actually are 😅 We saw a bumper sticker a while back that said something like "Abuse an animal, go to jail" 🙄😂
Part Two of our Breaking News Story: Man Sentenced to Life Imprisonment for Forgetting to Feed His Cat--Article: The court convened on Thursday morning to hear Peter Whitlock's case. Presiding over the trial was Judge Fairhead, whose reputation is a far-cry from what his name suggests. After hearing the neighbors testify as to what they saw and heard, the judge was infuriated. He hardly even listened as Whitlock's defense attorney and the veterinarian who examined the cat gave countless reasons why there was no misdemeanor or crime committed. "We did a thorough examination of the animal, your Honor, and there were no signs at all of malnutrition or abuse," the vet stated plainly. "In fact, the cat was in very good health overall. We also discovered that the cat has not been neutered, which means it is very likely that its loud meowing was actually mating calls." In spite of the clear evidence, the judge was quick to come to a verdict. "I hereby sentence you to life imprisonment!!" he bellowed. Mr. Whitlock was then hauled out of the courtroom and off to the jail cell again, amidst cries of opposition to the harsh decision. Others have noted with indignation that just prior to the court case, Judge Fairhead had let a serial killer completely off the hook. Whitlock's case will be appealed in a higher court, where hopefully, his sentence will be overturned. Until then, stay tuned for more news.
😂 I'd say. I'm working on part two right now, so it should be posted soon 😉
Animal rights activists be like:
Breaking News: Man Sentenced to Life Imprisonment for Forgetting to Feed His Cat--Article: Late Tuesday night, police were alerted to the sounds of cat meowing loudly outside of a residence in a small neighborhood. They arrived at the scene and discovered that the feline belonged to a man named Peter Whitlock, who was sound asleep at the time. Upon waking the man and dragging him outside in his pajamas for questioning, the officers learned that he had forgotten just that one evening to feed his cat its third meal of the day. Mr. Whitlock's neighbors, an elderly couple, who wished to remain anonymous, heard the cat, and immediately went to investigate the matter, then called the police. "Oh the poor thing must have been suffering dreadfully!" the old lady sobbed after learning what the apparent cause of its cries were. "I don't see how anyone could treat an animal so inhumanely! It's pure abuse!" The cuffs were slapped on Whitlock's wrists, and he was taken off to the slammer for the night, until his case could be heard. We'll be back with more in part 2 of this story.
Not yet, I’ve been pretty busy cause we’re helping my grandma move out of her house
Btw, Will, have you gotten a chance to take a look at that vid yet? 😉
I agree haven! very good pic 👍🏻
Looking forward to it 😁, @Roger
vera i like your new profile picture lol 😂 it’s nice 😊
“Whether it’s a vanilla or chocolate cake…” lol 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, hi Joshua 😅 We came on at the same time 😂
I'm planning to write an article sometime soon...I just have to find the time and the motivation 😆 And also it's going to be a satirical one this time 😉
Breaking news: Florida Man Blows Up a Mall While Trying to Bake a Cake For His Daughter. Article: Authorities in Lakeview Town, Florida are investigating a man who allegedly blew up an abandoned strip mall. The man claims he was trying to bake a cake for his daughter, but for some reason he tried to mix the ingredients with a leaf blower. He then proceeded to light a “stove” made of paper with his cigarette butt. The fire quickly went out of control and hit gas pipe that exploded the abandoned mall. “He’s just lucky he’s alive,” said Sergeant Burnie who was at the scene earlier today, “question is whether it was a vanilla or a chocolate cake.” Investigators are not yet sure of the answer to this, however, they have promised they will do everything they can to find the recipe.
New article coming soon!!!
Looks like YouTube is blocked at the moment ☹️. I'll try again when I can access it
Sorry, I had to. I’ll watch the vid this evening if I can 😅
@Will, I would like to hear your comments, tho 😉😂
Any comments or feedback? 😂
Special News Edition - July 5, 2022 [NOTE: THIS ARTICLE IS NOT FICTIOUS]: At some time or another, you may have heard your conspiracy theorist friends use expressions such as "the powers that be", "the Illuminati", or "the elite". But who are they even referring to anyway? Does such an entity exist? Well sit tight, because we are about to reveal who the global elite are...two giant corporations who control virtually every part of society on this planet: Vanguard and BlackRock. Now, to get to this conclusion, just follow the clues (aka, the money), and you'll see a clear pattern that shows who's really behind the scenes. Try it for yourself: look up the top stockholders of any major company you can think of, from Google and Microsoft to Burger King and McDonalds, and almost without fail, you'll find that these two companies, Vanguard and BlackRock, show up in the top five. It's these corporate giants' puppet strings that are controlling the entire world. And the elite families and individuals that run them are the most powerful people on earth. For a more in depth look, watch this short, eye opening video: https://tinyurl.com/36fm68ub. So, your friends' ideas aren't as far-fetched as you thought, eh? 😉
Breaking News: Tiny Speck In Gigantic Universe Reportedly Thinks He Is God. Article: The heavenly realms where put into hysterics when a tiny speck in God’s universe reportedly called himself God. The tiny speck, a recently deceased human named James Doolittle, allegedly approached the throne of God and proudly declared with shaking knees, “I am God!” God and His heavenly hosts have not stopped laughing for 3 years. Even some of the saints still ask each other, “did you hear the one about the God called James Doolittle? He’s so powerful his soul is in eternal damnation.” followed by a chorus of sardonic laughter.
New article coming soon!!!
Hey, Will, I sent something on the vaccine group that you might be interested in 😉
Oh, I see now what the point of it is 😂
Special Addition: Orange Are Still Not Cats. Article: Outbreaks of felicitrurosis (a viral mental issue causing people to think orange are actually cats) are still ravaging the East and West coasts of the United States. Unfortunately, the disease is showing signs of spreading to other Northern states and also large cities in the South. “We still don’t know exactly what is causing this disease,” says medical expert and interfaith minister Mirada Moony, “so we are asking people to be very cautious with who they interact with and to carefully monitor their symptoms. In fact, it might be better for everyone to just start living in giant hamster balls… for safety of course.” Other more controversial activists are advising a different approach approach: “I don’t think this ‘felicitrurosis’ thing is a problem at all,” said professor and pluralist philosopher Kyle Kook, “if someone wants to call oranges cats, what’s the problem? We should tolerate people’s subjective experience of things!” Prof. Kook was later seen pouring coffee onto a plate he called, “his favorite mug.” Despite the professors sentiment, medical consensus advises caution during these trying times.
it’s Canada 🇨🇦 day!! !! !!
Ummm, Roger, yeah, I think you WERE freaking out with us 😏😜 AND I thought Dad squashed it with a rock? 🤔
Breaking News: World Explodes After Politician Tells the Truth! Article: Just kidding! Our fact-checkers just determined the statement was actually false. Note: Our fact-checker’s determination has absolutely nothing at all to do with whether or not the they agree with the aforementioned statement. Our fact-checker’s are completely, one hundred percent dedicated to the truth and are not biased in any way! A few extremists have dared to question the accuracy of our fact-checkers in recent weeks, so we wanted to set the record straight. Rest assured, we rated all the accusations against us as pants-on-fire (worse than false?). We care about the truth and about mone… I mean, our readers. Thank you very much for reading this!
I've met more ppl on Bible Memory who are from TX than any other state 😂
New article coming soon!!
Somewhere in Texas, but DFW is the closest airport 😉
...ok, now that I think about it, maybe I WAS a little skittish about the mouse, but hey, I was only 9 years old at the time 😅😂
We've had so many problems with pests in the past that I'm not even going to mention all of them 😂 But at one house we lived at, we had giant roaches that were in the garage and house. Also, we had mice there. Well, at least one mouse. We once caught a mouse in one of the glue traps we had out for the roaches, and when we found it, it was still alive 😬 My parents weren't home and everyone was freaking out (I don't think I was, tho 🤔😆). But my dad later killed it by running the trap over with our vehicle 😅
Oh wow 😅 So you live in Dallas, then, eh? 🧐
my flight was canceled two days ago and rescheduled for today
I’m stuck in Canada trying to fly back to Dallas
We had a mouse in our house one time and I wasn’t scared of it yet my mom was trying to get us on the couch off the floor. the only time I saw the mouse was when it ran from underneath to couch and dad tried to smash it with his boot. 😂 We never got it so we put out a trap 🪤 and found a mouse in it in the morning
it’s Canada 🇨🇦 day eve😉!!!! !!!
It does… we had a problem with mice and rats. about 6,000 dollars to get it fixed
I costs hundreds to have people come and spray for house for that stuff
If my family moved, I would kinda miss my old house. I’ve lived in it for my whole life so I’m attached to it a little. At the same time I do want to move though because my house is getting ready bad and no one is doing anything. 🙄😂 I had to pick a dead grass hopper off the ground the other day and right away, there were to flat ones on the basement floor. I think they are getting in the threw the basement.
It feels hotter during the day, so we cool it down a little or jump on our pool
We got our heater/AC installed today. I think it is around 70...
My parents moved all over the place while they were growing up. Not so much now
So three(/four) houses I've lived in (for a long period of time) so far
I've moved twice... three times if you count staying at my relative's house for a little before we moved here.
Joshua, yeah, 8 houses in all 😅 But we've been living at the house we're at now for 5 years, which is practically the longest we've lived at any house 😂
@Evelyn, ah ok, well that's good 😅😆
@Roger in the summer. I have a heater in my room so it’s much much warmer in the wintertime
Our basement is unfinished, so I wouldn't necessarily want to sleep down there 😅😂
JJ, I've moved 7 times in my lifetime 😅😆 But I've never had a room of my own.
Bc I was thinking we were talking about in the summer, with air conditioning 😅
@Evelyn, sooo...your house is between 19 and 16 degrees in the summer, or in the winter? 🤔
I’m hoping we will move soon. I’ve never moved before but I need to get my own room! I’m desperate 😓
1: I would not have to share a room with my little brother anymore, 2: It would be easier for me to sleep, (because I can’t stand sleeping in heat) and 3: I could make as much noise as I want. 😆😆😆😆
I would totally sleep in the basement if I had the choice
my room is in the basement which is why it’s so cold. I have lots of blankets though so it doesn’t feel like 16
I think it’s the other way around 😂
If you look it up, you'll find that room temp is normally considered between 68 and 74 degrees Fahrenheit (20-23 C), so y'all are just crazy 🤣
@Evelyn, 🥶 yikes that's cold! I would be freezing if we kept it like that at my house 😂 And I live in NC!
Texas is way hotter then we’re I live and Canada Is a little colder. I’m in Michigan 😂
@Roger 72 is hot for my house. my house is 19 degrees C. (I’m in Canada so I go by Celsius.) at night it’s about 16 C
😂 Are you kidding me, JJ? 😅 For me, 72 or 73 is the optimal temperature for indoors. Anything lower than that is a bit chilly usually...
I can’t sleep in heat! My house is set at like.. 70 degrees all day and I would have it around 56 it it were my house! 🥵
I like air conditioning. It helps me during the night 😁
Lol, funny article, Will 😆
Wow, Dante, you got your facts down pat! 🤣
Winter is good for people as well. Studies show that people can think more clearly in cold temperatures. People sleep better in the winter, as well, because as people go to sleep, their body temperature lowers. While in the summer this can take up to two hours, it takes much less time in the winter. But maybe the most important reason we need winter is because of the way the Earth is tilted. It means it needs to be winter somewhere for it to be summer somewhere else!
Winter is good for the world around us. Many plants need shorter days and low temperatures to become dormant. This way plants can store up energy for new growth. If a fruit tree doesn’t have enough chilling time, it will produce fewer, weaker buds. Strong winters also mean fewer bugs. For example, mosquito populations, hiding outside as larvae until spring, are cut back by severe cold, too. This also helps prevent diseases that mosquitos carry.
Nice funny article! 😂 No thanks, I ain’t supporting Climate Change... Lol. In my dreams.. You know that without there being cold, humans and animals..
Opinion: Why You Should Support Climate Change - By Ida Eartha. Article part 1: You’ve probably heard that the earth is going to end in 12 years because of climate change. I don’t know about that, but I’ve also heard the earth is flat. What I’m trying to say is that the earth is fine. Just fine. So fine that we should be supporting climate change! Why? Because heating up those naturally cold countries means more farmable and inhabitable land for us humans. It will also reduce winter weather so we can farm and produce food for more time during the year. Now, humans may not need more land, the earth is underpopulated as it is, but just think what a paradise it will be to have more water in the oceans and more inhabitable/farmable land?
Article part 2: So what can you do to support climate change? Well, to be honest, climate activists are making this very easy! If you’re going on a flight, there are websites that say which flight has the most carbon emissions. Just pick the flight with the most emissions and boom! Your supporting climate change! How else can you help? Drive cars. Doesn’t matter if their gas or electric because both cause a lot of emissions (gas cars from exhaust, electric from electricity generating factories). You should also get some cows! As any good climate activist will tell you, cow farts are high in carbon emissions, so we need more cows. And finally, support fossil fuels. These fuels lift countries out of poverty and keeps the economy running. And as a side benefit, they also heat up the world to better farm friendly temperatures. Hopefully, after reading this, you will be encouraged to do your part in supporting climate change.
Oooo this is getting intense…
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... 24 June 2022: Season 1. Issue 7: MURDERER CLEARED FROM ALL CHARGES AFTER SAYING ONE SENTENCE!!! (Part 6) Mr Saul Mando has confessed! He has finally admitted that he killed Jason Calotti. Police officers immediately escorted him to jail for him to wait until he is summoned to court. Moreover, we know the reason why he killed Jason Calotti... REVENGE.. Mr Salman Calotti and his gang had killed 22 people in the bank robbery, 4 of them were children of Saul Mando, and 1 was his wife. Statement to police by Mr Mando, "I call that justice! He savagely murdered 5 of mine! I have no one left! Those were the only children I had! And my wife was everything to me!! THAT IS REVENGE!!!" Many people remain shocked. Many are feeling for Saul. Nevertheless, still, he had no right to kill a human being. "Sheesh.. Peeps, I never knew that!" Posted Michael Jordan on Facebook. "I am having feelings for Saul Mando. All of his children and wife, GONE.." Stated Officer Right Jonathan to reporters. Tweet by Elon Musk, "I could not have ever known that... I feel for Saul." Reply by Lyndon Rive, Elon Musk's cousin, Cofounder of SolarCity, "Unbelievable! I am speechless... Saul still had no right to kill a pleasant person." Here are the names of the five children and wife of Saul Mando who got killed: Kate Mando, David Steven Mando, Kayla Mando, River Mando, and Page Mando. Saul Mando's trial will be held in Bow County Court in Newham (England) on June 27, 11:00 AM (England Time). Judge Wallace Cober will be sitting on the judge's seat. We will notify you when the court makes its decision. - Stay tuned for more news!- LDWNewsPress.. 📰
BM S-I-N Is Worthless (Fake News)
(Mysterious Lady At Little Joe’s Pizza) [Part 3]
Three months had passed and the officers on night duty (watching the jails) got tired of staying up all night and asleep all day. They wanted some sunlight. They figured that since the prisoners are already asleep, they could go in the back room and get some sleep because they still haven’t adjusted to there new sleep schedule. So that’s what they did and in the morning when they came out, there were several more officers in the room then normal. They asked “what is happening?” and the sheriff told them they were Fired for not watching the prisoners. He said “Evidence shows that the lady picked the lock with a tack from the tack board” and don’t ask me how she managed to do that, 🙄 but what was important right then is they needed to find her! Several officers went out and others got on the phone to check if people had seen her or not. We don’t know if she will be found or not but we will give you more news on the matter in a bit. Stay Tuned For More News. (This Article Was Sent Out From BM S-I-N Is Worthless And Is Fully Sponsored By ..Only Through Jesus..)
Btw, “Felicitrurosis” 😹😂🤣😆
There’s two more parts that I need to release..
Lol, I think I’m fully aware that Oranges aren’t cats.. Xd
Special addition: Oranges Are Not Cats. Article: We at Real News Today have become aware of an urgent issue we felt needed addressing right away. That is that a disturbingly high number of people have been mistaking cats for oranges. We are not exactly sure why people, especially middle aged widowers, think the delicious citrus fruit is actually a fiendish furry feline but cases are sweeping across the East and West costs of the USA. “I am truly mystified,” said psychologist and bird watcher Ida Knowles, “I held up a picture of a cat and an orange up for several of my patients and they all said they were the same picture.” Some experts theorize that the confusion stems from the idea that words can mean whatever we want. However, it’s too early to make any definitive conclusions. Medical experts are calling the phenomenon “felicitrurosis.”
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... 23 June 2022: Season 1. Issue 6: MURDERER CLEARED FROM ALL CHARGES AFTER SAYING ONE SENTENCE!!! (Part 5) We thought that this case was finished. However, it is not! Officer Right Jonathan and Detective Mark William found some shocking information earlier today. Saul Mando, the person who was always the first to be mad at Mr Calotti and judge Naton, has been accused of being the one who killed Mr Salman Calotti's brother. So far, Saul Mando denies it, but the police do not believe him. Here is the shocking reason why Officer Right Jonathan and Detective Mark William think Saul Mando killed Jason Calotti. "Me and Detective Jonathan were stuck when we found this information out; I thought that Calotti killed his brother, but not anymore. I am 93% sure.." Yesterday, in court, when Carline Holler rightfully sentenced Salman Calotti to life in prison, people were cheering, but see this statement from Saul Mando: "This is what I call justice! That harm şimdi ölmüş olan kardeşine sebep oldum was justice too!!" (This was mentioned in our previous article) People initially ignored that comment, but the detective and police officer did not; they found out that Saul Mando was speaking Turkish in part of his comment and translated into English, "This is what I call justice! That harm I caused to that brother of his who's now dead was justice too!!" Nobody knows at the moment why he killed Jason Calotti but currently, police are questioning Saul Mando. Tweet from Kevin Sorbo, a movie star in Hercules, What If and God's Not Dead, "Unbelievable! If Saul Mando killed Jason Calotti, we would have falsely accused him... a little.." Reply from Sean Austin, "Well, what do you expect. People who aren't trustworthy get accused of many, many things." This does not change Salman Calotti's sentence in any way; he is still going to be in prison for life. If we get any information from the police and detectives about Saul Mando, we will notify you. - Stay tuned for more news!-LDWNewsPress.. 📰
I’m releasing part 5 today!
Umm, whatever you think best 😉
should I write part 3 or start a new one?
This article was submitted anonymously, so “Hank Wordsworth” is actually his real name.
Opinion: Credit Cards Are of The Devil! - by Hank Wordsworth. Article: In my day, people only paid with money we actually had. We used cold hard cash to pay our expenses! Now, everybody thinks they’s got to get themselves a credit card. Well, I’m here to tell you, credit cards are OF THE DEVIL! People be spending money they don’t have and piling on debt till the ocean runs dry. As a result, all these young people are slaves of credit card companies. True, credit card companies don’t ask anything of a person other than the money they borrowed, but it’s only a matter of time till they start making the REAL demands. That’s why I’m asking you to join my all new credit card debt insurance plan. It’s just $15 a month for life long protection against debts you can’t pay. If you’ve got an unpayable debt, we’ll bail you out so you don’t go broke. Call today at (666) 616-1313 to see if you qualify for our premium membership. That’s (666) 616-1313 for your premium membership to stay debt free, and tell them I sent you.
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... 22 June 2022: Season 1. Issue 5: MURDERER CLEARED FROM ALL CHARGES AFTER SAYING ONE SENTENCE!!! (Part 4) Mr Salman Calotti has been found in the woods unconscious by police; he was not armed but was severely harmed and in danger of dying. Police do not know if he tried to take his own life or someone attempted to kill him. However, after Calotti awoke, the police escorted him to court, where he was to be judged by Carline Holler. Many people were in the stands watching the judgement; Saul Mando, Elon Musk, Steph Curry, Lebron James, Russel Westbrook, Kevin Sorbo, Lee Strobel, Ray Comfort, and many other people from all over the world came to visit the judgement due to the first judgement ending shockingly. Calotti denied killing his brother, but no one believed him. He was found guilty of all charges and sentenced to life in prison... "Finally, that monster will get put away for good!" Cheered Saul Mando to reporters outside the courthouse. "This is what I call justice! That harm şimdi ölmüş olan kardeşine sebep oldum was justice too!!" Many people are rejoicing today now that the killer has been put away. Nevertheless, many families still mourn for their loved ones killed by Calloti and his gang... Detective Mark William Said, "I am glad people are happy for the justice here today. Carline Holler is a real judge!" Police Chief David Ille reports, "Tomorrow, judge Naton Hanow's job will be taken away from him, which is being a judge. He will also need to pay a 7,500,000 dollar fine. If he doesn't, we will throw him in prison. This is all because he made that unjust decision on June 19th. Oh, and, if Nation, or whatever his name is, had sentenced Calotti to life in prison or death, his brother, who seemed like a nice guy, based on what Mr Mason Hanegoni said, would not have got killed." So Calotti has been sentenced to life in prison, and it looks like we will no longer need to speak about this Matter. We will be back soon with more news..- Stay tuned for more news!- LDWNewsPress.. 📰
I’m releasing part 4 soon!
BM S-I-N Is Worthless (Fake News)
(Mysterious Lady At Little Joe’s Pizza) [Part 2]
I turned and looked around, scanning the aria. I saw the lady way down at the park. I ran for the park and suddenly, a bunch of police cars wiped around the corner and a cop jumped out and ran after her. One more got out and ran for Me! The others took off to the park. The cop told me my friend called them. The other cops were bringing back the lady. Once they got here, they checked her and found my wallet, and someone’s keys. They asked for her bag and she refused. They took it from her and looked inside. I knew I wasn’t supposed to ask because it was police business but I asked what was in there. The cop looked up at me and smiled. He said it’s full of boloney. It took me a minute to ketch on but when I did, I had a good chuckle. They took her away and put her in jail and they gave me my wallet back. I said “This city is the most crime filled city in the world!” Stay Tuned For More News. (This Article Was Sent Out From BM S-I-N Is Worthless And Is Fully Sponsored By ..Only Through Jesus..)
Cool! @Real News Today, your articles are very nice! Do you use Grammarly??
New article coming in a few hours!
Make sure to take a look at these names carefully before you read Part 4 😏😎 These are the people who got murdered by Salman Calotti and his gang: Nathan Clasman, Brian Ochorbee, Kate Mando, David Steven Mando, Kayla Mando, River Mando, Page Mando, Charles Ivery, Jordan Rick, Masonry Cal, John Dixon, Uriah Heep, William Hendricks, Cally Sam, Logan Founder, Natasha Johnston, Kobe Bicks Noom, Samuel Hernandez, Joe Paxton, Willie Lehay, Luke Paul, and Nate Lacider..
Part 4 and 5 is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oooooooooooooooooo, spooky...
BM S-I-N Is Worthless (Fake News)
(Mysterious Lady At Little Joe’s Pizza) [Part 1]
“This city is the most crime filled city in the world!” Stated Joe after the incident. The cops asked him what happened and this is the story: “A man named Greg Johnson came to my pizza dine-in restaurant and ordered a large pizza with lots of toppings. When it was all ready for him, we called his name and put it on the counter.” Greg stated: “I went to get the pizza I ordered and it wasn’t there! I saw a lady in the corner of the room with a big golden, glitter covered bag and she was holding on to it tightly. the pizza was on her table. I went over there to tell her that it was my pizza and she just looked at me. My hands were full with my phone, wallet, and a drink. I set them down on the table and picked up my pizza and had my friend with me pick up the other stuff. We got back to the table and I realized, We Didn’t Have My Wallet! I went back to the table and the lady was gone. I walked out the door and saw her across the street and she saw me too. She ran for it. I started chasing her down the street and my friend was on his phone for some random reason instead of helping me. I was gaining on her a little and then she took a corner and when I got around it, she was gone. Stay Tuned For More News. (This Article Was Sent Out From BM S-I-N Is Worthless And Is Fully Sponsored By ..Only Through Jesus..)
Btw, I have an article coming soon 🔜
WARNING: SPOILER!!!! Don’t go down!!!!
Me Salman Calotti was found in the woods..
Probably hid in the woods for a few days 🤔
😆Wow! how did he stay out of sight? did he get rid of all his electrics so he couldn’t be tracked??? 😂
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... 21 June 2022: Season 1. Issue 4: MURDERER CLEARED FROM ALL CHARGES AFTER SAYING ONE SENTENCE!!! (Part 3) After Mr Calotti was released from jail due to the unjust decision of Judge Naton, things went entirely quiet; people were not talking about the Matter as much as on the first day. Calotti has disappeared from everyone's sight, and the Matter was forgotten. Until Thursday morning, when police got reports of gunshots coming from a small house. Police and Swat quickly arrived at the house, seeing nothing but a dead body wrapped up in cloth.. The police summoned detectives to look at the area; bottles of beer, rats, ants and other insects were found in the house. Mr Mason Hanegoni has been living next to the house for years, and there was no problem; he said, "I have been visiting the owner of this house for years! The house has always been clean!" Detectives and police have identified the man wrapped in cloth as Jason Calotti, the brother of Mr Calotti (Mr Calotti's Real Name: Salman Calotti). Police are still searching for the killer; based on fingerprints and other information, detectives are leaning towards the killer being in the Carlotti family... Officer Josh Wheaton stated, "Possibly Mr Calotti killed his brother; why not? Eh? He killed 12 people without regretting it; what makes you think he could kill his brother without regretting it?" Many people are leaning towards Mr Salman Calotti being the killer, mainly because he has vanished from everyone's sight. "Maybe if it was not for the silly, unjust, 'judge' called Naton," Tweeted Lebron James on Twitter, "We would not need to be wastin' our time on this!" Reply from Zerekiah Hanow, "C'mon, why are you so against Judge Naton Hanow!? He has just made a silly little mistake!" Many comments have been fired against Zerekiah from Russel Westbrook, Cristiano Ronaldo, Elon Musk, Kevin Sorbo, David A.R White, Brian Bosworth, Steve 'sting' Borden, and many other celebrities and people after he defended Judge Naton. Police are still investigating the case. We will bring an update if we receive any new news..- Stay Tuned For More News!- From LDWNewsPress.. 📰
Interesting 🤔 Definitely reflects quite accurately the way things are these days.
FYI, the names of the 22 people who had got murdered: Nathan Clasman, Brian Ochorbee, Kate Mando, David Steven Mando, Kayla Mando, River Mando, Page Mando, Charles Ivery, Jordan Rick, Masonry Cal, John Dixon, Uriah Heep, William Hendricks, Cally Sam, Logan Founder, Natasha Johnston, Kobe Bicks Noom, Samuel Hernandez, Joe Paxton, Willie Lehay, Luke Paul, and Nate Lacider..
I’ll release it in 6 hours!!!
Part three comin’ soon!!!!!
Oooo this is exciting! part 3 please!
This is a good story! is there going to be a part 3?
This is the continuation. This isn’t really fake because this has happened in some places.
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... 21 June 2022: Season 1. Issue 2: MURDERER CLEARED FROM ALL CHARGES AFTER SAYING ONE SENTENCE!!! (Part 2) Recap: Mr Calotti robbed a bank with his gang mates, he had shot dead 12 out of the 22 people who had died, he was arrested, his gang members escaped, and was taken to court; he was found guilty but left the courthouse without paying a fine, due to him saying a simple sentence... Continuation: Mr Calotti said, "I feel offended you have arrested me." After he had said that, Judge Naton Hanow, allowed Carlotti to leave the court. This caused an uproar in the court. "How can this man be a judge!" Was shouted several times by Saul Mando. "Unbelievable! This man should have been sentenced to life in prison!" Was said by an older man. Many threads and videos have immediately been created on Twitter, Facebook, Tik-Tok and YouTube within an hour after judge Naton set Calotti free, all of them saying how unjust his decision was. Tweet on Twitter by Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, "This is wrong; I have no idea how judge Naton could do such a thing! In my opinion, Calotti should be sentenced to death!" Another post from Steph Curry, a pro-NBA player, on Facebook, "Look, people, Calotti is guilty! He should be gone! He murdered 12 innocent people. Moreover, he is going away without a single slap!" Nevertheless, Calotti is now free, and we do not know what he will do next...- Stay tuned for more news!- LDWNewsPress.. 📰
Oops yeah, the Queen is 96..
That latest article is very interesting… I would like to read the rest of it!
@Dante the queen turned 96 in April, I think
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... 20 June 2022: Season 1. Issue 2: MURDERER CLEARED FROM ALL CHARGES AFTER SAYING ONE SENTENCE!!! On June 3rd, Mr Calotti and his gang mates robbed a bank, shot three guards and shot all people at the bank dead. In total, 22 people were murdered. Police rushed to the scene as soon as they had received calls from people hearing the gunshots. They got their hands on Calotti, but his gang mates managed to escape. Officer Marion Massil estimated that Calotti killed 12 out of the 22 people who had died, based on inspecting the gun Calotti was carrying. "This murderer must be put away for good!" Exclaimed Mr Clarion to reporters, he was one of the first to call the police. Calotti was immediately taken to jail, and his trial was to be on June 19th. So Calotti, on June 19th, was taken to the courthouse. He was found guilty on all charges, but he left the court without even paying a fine due to a simple sentence he said which shocked everyone in the courthouse... We will say what Mr Calotti said in a different article coming soon...- From LDWNewsPress.. 📰 STAY TUNED!!!
The Queen is 95 y/o.. I would be shocked if she decides to change her views before she dies..
none of the news in this group is real
up and down or side to side? 😂
so non of the news in this group is real? 😂
That’s why I was wondering 😂😂😂
Highly unlikely that it would happen..
I was asking dante. dante?
📰 - Breaking News: LDWNewsPress... Mon 20, June 2022: QUEEN DECIDES TO LEAD ENGLAND DIFFERENTLY IN HER FINAL YEARS!!! Reports came this morning from Buckingham palace that the royal family was shocked to hear Queen Elizabeth wake up and immediately change her views on everything! "We must change things!" Was shouted several times by the Queen this morning in the palace hall. Let us now go live at the scene. The Queen is opening the door to her palace entrance to make a speech to the reporters and people watching on Television. "Oh, citizens of England, I am not fit to be a Queen. I have not led you in the way I should have, but now we all need to follow Jesus Christ!" After the Queen's message, we can see the mood swing of the people surrounding the Palace. Tweet on Twitter from William, Duke of Cambridge, "I am not happy with my grandmother's change; she is acting mad. Maybe the oldness has finally got to her skull." It does not look like William is happy.. "I encourage the Queen to lead England with the Lord in her heart," said Justin Welby, the 105th Archbishop of Canterbury, "But she should not go too far, it will discourage people from coming to church, and things would not get to pretty on our side." Currently, we are waiting for the Queen to take further actions. That is all we have for today. We will be back soon! - Stay tuned for more news! From LDWNewsPress!!
Breaking News: Evangelical Church Elder’s Debate Whether to Celebrate “Bring Your Gun to Church Day.” Article: The elder’s of Grace Bible Church in Oorttville, Georgia are trying to decide whether to celebrate a new controversial holiday called “Bring Your Gun to Church Day.” Critics of the new celebration claim that it would make some members uncomfortable and possibly curb their steadily growing membership. “I’m all for the second amendment,” said long-time member Tina Hoople, “I even bring my concealed carry on a regular basis already, but the church should be a place where we focus on God, not politics.” However, other leaders in the church disagreed. “We believe in God and that there second amendment,” said Sunday school teacher Alfred Hitchhike, “we should celebrate the rights we got and bring them guns to church.” Reporters later saw him yelling, “God and guns!” at a pair of confused rabbits. The elder’s vote is scheduled to take place on the second Tuesday of next week.
New article coming in a few hours!!!
Also, just to be clear, my Dad’s no longer Methodist 🙃
Exactly @Vera. My dad also grew up Methodist and a lot of Methodist church pastors and authorities in America don’t believe anything close to what we would call Christian
Dante, sadly, though that was not a true story, many church-goers these days are not encouraged at all--and are perhaps discouraged from reading the Bible.
Lol! 😂 Yes, all of these are interesting!
Lol, that one is really funny 🤣
Breaking News: Monastery Bans Good-looking People From Joining Order After Discovering Jesus Was Not Much To Look At. Article: The abbot of a small Benedictine Monastery has declared that all handsome people should be removed from the community and all future memberships should filled by ugly people. This ordinance came after a ceremonial reading that included Isaiah 53:2, “For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of the parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.” The reading of this verse caused a firestorm of controversy in the little community culminating in the ousting of all the monks deemed too good-looking to be Christ like. “This is a necessary change in order to ensure that all our members look like our dear savior,” said the elderly abbot who looked strangely like a toad. The four ousted monks claimed that the other members were “just jealous.”
New article coming in 2 hours!!!
📰 - Pocket News: June 15, 2022 - Period I, Article X: GUY ON THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD HAS LOST VERSES!!! (Part 3) Hopefully, you guys have read the last two articles about this matter. Now, things are going over the line. It's impossible to memorize the whole Bible. Impossible.. For someone to prove to me that he can, he would need to stand in front of me and recite the entire Bible from start to finish, with the Bible on my lap, reading if he's correct or not, of course. Now, if he added 6,000 more verses to his master list and recites them all to me along with the 32,000 verses in the Bible, I would remain speechless, knowing someone who has memorized The whole Bible and 6,000 verses more. Sadly, we can't meet @Στ.. @Στ over the night has gotten 6,000 more verses. On the leaderboard, it says that he has memorized 37,578 verses. I will not believe that. His brain will melt if he has remembered that much! (Please, @Readers, comment on the message wall, I would like to read your thoughts about this.) - Stay tuned for more news!!- BM W-A-S Publishings.. 📰(Sponsored by KINGDOMCome)
Oh.. I have just understood.. This news isn’t real! 🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Did you choose the names?😂
Nice article 🙂 It’s shocking that Melrose’s pastor doesn’t encourage anyone to read the Bible for themselves...
Breaking News: Methodist Reads the Bible for the First Time, Church Authorities Shocked. Article: Local resident, Don Boop, of Orangeville, Kansas, sat down in his living room last Monday and found himself wondering what in the world this strange book called the Bible actually said. Despite going down the street to the historic Melrose United Methodist Church his entire life, he had yet to open his dusty King James Bible. Church authorities were reportedly shocked to hear that one of their long-time members would make such an extremist move. “We discourage all our parishioners from exploring the Bible for themselves,” said Melrose’s Pastor, Mafalda Higgins, “We wouldn’t want them coming across ideas such as hating sin and changing themselves to obey God’s commandments. Such hateful ideas are absolutely contrary to our mission to love everyone no matter who they are.” Meanwhile, Mr. Boop has decided to keep reading scripture after discovering that Jesus had died for his sin so that he could live a new life free from the power of sin and death.
New article coming in 1.5 hours
Nice, investigative journalism 😎
📰 - Pocket News: June 13, 2022 - Period I, Article IX: GUY ON THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD HAS LOST VERSES!!! (Part 2) In our previous article about this matter, @Στ (That is his name) had lost all of his verses; he had sunk from his position as first place in verses and had vanished from the leaderboard. But now, he is back; he has regained his position and is back in his place. MOST of his verses are back.. But how did he review 31,408 verses within a short time? No one can review that many verses so quickly! @Στ seems a bit suspicious now... His verses drop down simultaneously, and he gets them back simultaneously; also, someone can't memorize the whole Bible and more! People with more than 20,000 verses are all suspicious to me unless we can see their progress over a very long period of time, @Tcurso, @Martin and even @DcGarcia! At least @DcGarcia has joined a few groups, so it doesn't look like she wants to hide anything. Everyone else with more than 20,000 verses hasn't joined or made any group, so we can't see their collections or their many verses in the members list. Unless he is a very devoted person who loves memorising verses 24/7 and does not want to be distracted by group chats, in which case they would have my sincere admiration. At this point, we don't know if people who have many verses and are inactive cheat. @Στ has also regained all his points and level; points only go down if you have verses overdue. If he had that many verses due or overdue, and all of his points went to zero (Totally unlikely), then he reviewed them. He would not have the same amount of points as before because he would need to review them all as many times as he had done before to get back his 2,642,033 points.. (More Articles about this topic are coming in the future) - Stay tuned for more news!!- BM W-A-S Publishings.. 📰(Sponsored by KINGDOMCome)
It can be news about the church and the world, or any random satirical thing. You can also do Bible memory if you want. Feel free to suggest verses to add.
Can it also be Bible Memory?
So only news about the world can be posted here??
BM S-I-N Is Worthless
*A New Group*
/1: “Spammers Galore” Anyone can join! In it, you can randomly spam at anytime, 🙄🤭 you can talk about anything you want, and do it at anytime you want.
*Fun Activities To Join*
/1: “The Lost Manuscript” is located in the group “KingdomCome” and is very fun! in this game, you will search the Bible for a hidden verse. One person will give two clues. Be careful though! One clue is not a clue at all! You must figure out which is the correct clue and use it to find the verse. They are looking for more players and I would highly encourage you to join and participate in this awesome activity. /2: "Herald of Light" is located in the group “The Bible Brigade” and is also a very fun game to participate in. In this game you will go on an adventure, looking for a hidden verse in one of the thousands of groups on bible memory. It is super fun and I would encourage you to join this too.
*Manager*
Stay Tuned For More Ads. (This Ad Was Sent Out From BM S-I-N Is Worthless And Is Fully Sponsored By ..Only Through Jesus..)
oh yeh, hees da wink 🤓 https://biblememory.com/Group/View/99923fc114/
um...hewow 🙂 im looking fah a stoOpid pengwin named cheh 🤔 i em trying too find him tho that he cen join da noo stoOpid pepah onwy gwoop 😊😊
I know right Lily. 🙄 it’s so annoying
@Real News Today glitch. I have two copies of this group tho I and I only joined one
it’s weird and makes it hard to fine groups in my group list
I jave a glitch that makes me not able to delete specific groups. there was a group I made and decided I actually didn’t want so I deleted it but it won’t go away. It’s not on the groups wall and there are no posts or members but for some reason, it is listening it in my groups. I also have two copies of the same group too. (my church group)
It happens to me as well sometimes..
@Lily is there two of you or is that a glitch on my end?
Hello! Glad you could make it!
Thanks, new one coming tomorrow
Breaking News: Catholic Church Decides to Uphold Tradition of Ignoring God and His Word. Article: The Catholic Church is known for allegedly following the traditional practices and beliefs of the early church. Thanks to the groundbreaking new research of Archbishop Marmaduke Thames, the Catholic Church has now decided to uphold the early church tradition of abandoning God and ignoring His word which prompted the writing of most of Paul’s letters. “My research indicates that the early church turned away from God very soon after hearing the gospel for the first time,” said the Archbishop to reporters yesterday, “In solidarity with this early church practice, I submitted a treatise which has now been approved by the pope asking church members and clergy to ignore God and the Bible.” Critics were quick to point out that the newly approved ordinance contradicts Jesus’ teaching in Mark 12:29-30 and defeats the point of the New Testament epistles. However, church authorities chastised them for going against the authority of the church and for arrogantly counting themselves worthy enough to interpret scripture for themselves.